11:14pm

Tonight’s been kind of difficult. The old Donaven is trying his hardest to beat the rationality out of me, to make sure that I pull away from all the people who love me despite how lonely I feel.

In my depression, I would isolate myself, run away from reality, and hope that maybe someone would chase me. I needed that validation. I needed to feel wanted. I needed to feel worthy of being followed.

I definitely don’t crave that validation anymore – it thrived on manipulation.

However, as I think about the current state of my life, I realize how much I suck as a human. I am the worst person I know. The thoughts I have. The things I do behind closed doors. The whispers I engage in when no one’s around.

God has a standard that I’m never going to reach. The leaders that God has placed in my life also have a standard for me and I’m going to continue to miss the mark, continue to mess up and fail.

If that’s the case, then why even strive for excellence? Why even serve? Why even invest into relationships? Why be vulnerable? It’s so much easier to isolate, pull away, and essentially, give up.

Tonight, I do not feel worthy. I do not feel deserving of solid relationships or platforms on which I can lead others in Christ. I will never be at a level of excellence worthy of the gospel. My talent, my time, and my treasures are all in the wrong places and I’m too caught up in my humanity to realign them.

I promised that this blog would be one of hope. Hope is knowing that light exists and that it will soon be yours. Unfortunately, light can’t exist without a little darkness here and there. Take me as I am.

With hope that Donaven Day will be better,

Donaven

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