I haven’t blogged in quite some time.
It’s not that I haven’t had much to say, it’s just that I’ve needed these past couple of months to realign my heart, to seriously struggle, wrestle with some emotions, and allow myself to fall apart, while allowing God to piece me together, again. It’s been hard. It’s been painful. It’s been humbling. But everyday I’m learning what it means to put my faith before my feelings and fears.
I am still battling bipolar/depression. It is something that I will probably live with for the rest of my life, but it’s God’s way of reminding me that I need Him. My medications help, of course, and I’m the most stable I’ve ever been, but I still have bad days and I’m not going to apologize for them. Instead, I’m going to keep moving forward with my head held high and arms outstretched even higher in complete surrender to the One who makes the moon reflect the sun.
Here are two things that have really been on my heart since January:
- My sexuality.
It’s clearly a mess. It’s always been a mess. I’ll be open about that. I was open about that. But in all the wrong ways. From this point on, however, anything regarding my sexuality isn’t for the public’s ear. I’ve been pretty open about my story and my struggles in an attempt to encourage others, but this is something that I need to work through solely alongside God and the people He’s placed in my life to help me work through it. The point is, to clear up any confusion, I do not identify as gay. I don’t identify as anything other than His. My identity is in Christ and I’ve fully embraced that. His death on the cross is what defines me, not where I come from, my skin color, my sexuality, friends, or family. Just. Him. I know so many of you are thinking, “Donaven, why are you doing this to yourself? Just accept who you are!”Turns out, “me” is a sinful, broken person who needs Jesus every second of every day; I need to be more like Him. That is my daily mission. That is why I am not going to live out my desires, but instead, pray that God’s desires for my life would become my own. He has complete control over the messy parts of my life and I am joyful. Many of you have said, “As long as you’re happy, then I’m happy for you.” Know that I am content. I know that for now, God’s calling me to be single and focus on Him.
So if you fear the Lord and want to walk alongside me in this battle, feel free to. I have incredible Christian friends and church leaders who I know will stand by God’s Word and continue to encourage my pursuit of a life worthy of the gospel. To everyone else, if you don’t understand, that’s okay. Let’s talk about it one-on-one: how come this whole Jesus thing gets to play such a huge role in who I’m attracted to, date, and eventually, marry?
Some people are going to be proud of me for this and others are going to see this as absurd. It wasn’t much different when I came out. The point isn’t to stir up controversy. The point is to be honest and make sure that I’m not misrepresenting myself or the God I’ve given my life to. I’m going to have to trust my gut on this one.
- My future.
I am beyond excited to see how God uses, challenges, and grows me over these next few years, but the future scares me. I’m ready to be on the other side of graduate school with years of wisdom and victories. God’s been calling me to some pretty interesting things lately that would cause me to deviate from my life plan. I’ll blog more about all of this in the future (oh, the irony), but for now, I’ll continue being vague. As I explore these things and God’s calling on my life, pray that I would be able to live in the present and give 100% of myself to what I’m doing now. Or, you know, just keep me in your thoughts and send me some good vibes. Whatever floats your boat.
2016 thus far hasn’t been that awful. I’ve been pretty sick with who knows what, but I’ve been able to spend some time with my sister, I was accepted into the INVST Community Leadership Program at CU, and I still have some of the best friends in the entire world.
To my support systems:
Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I would not be sitting here writing this if it weren’t for you. You all encourage me to love hard and fearlessly. Goodness, there are not words to describe how grateful I am for all of you.
Things I love right now: